12-step program Archives - Colorado Medication Assisted Recovery

Step 12 in the 12-Step Process

Posted on May 2, 2022 by cmarnew

STEP TWELVE

“Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”

Who do you think benefits more from an act of kindness, the giver or the recipient? Most people presume that the recipient receives greater benefit. This makes sense because they have been helped with some problem or their lives have been made easier in some way. Thus, they are likely left with a feeling of gratitude. The recipient must receive more benefit, right? Interestingly, this is not the case.

Studies have shown that, in fact, the giver of kindness receives greater benefit from the act. People have reported increased feelings of confidence, a greater sense of control, boosted self-esteem, decreased stress, and higher levels of overall happiness after performing acts of kindness and service towards others. Further, other studies have shown that kindness facilitates connection with others and reduced anxiety. Aside from inherent moral reasons to be kind, turns out there are a lot of other benefits!

In step twelve, we are essentially asked to carry forward in our recovery with kindness and acts of service. It is this step that is crucial to maintaining our recovery. As the adage in twelve-step programs goes, “to keep it you have to give it away.” In other words, to continue nurturing our sobriety and spirituality, we must assist others in doing the same. This is the premise behind becoming a “sponsor” of someone earlier on in their recovery journey.

In the same twelve-step meeting, you will find people at all different stages in their recovery. Perhaps one person has been sober a few days, another has been sober a few months, another has been sober a few years, and another has been sober a few decades. Some may wonder why people with years or decades of sobriety under their belts continue coming to meetings? Well, it typically has to do with step twelve.

One of the ways in which we can support others who are struggling is to attend meetings. At these meetings, if we show up as engaged, present, and kind, we can have a tremendously positive effect on others’ and ourselves. We may build a community, gain a sense of personal purpose, lead and inspire others in their recovery, feel motivated in our own recovery journey, and become a role-model for someone else in recovery.

I feel it is important to mention that acts of kindness should also extend beyond twelve-step circles. These acts of kindness can be big or small. It does not matter. The important piece is that you are working to make the world a better place. Whenever you have the opportunity, seize it. You could hold the door open for a stranger, pick up a stray piece of litter, give a friend a ride, or begin volunteering with an organization you care about. Once you begin doing it, you will feel the positive effects and seek out other service opportunities. This will help you immensely on your recovery journey. I guarantee it.

By Jonathan Fricke, MA

Step 11 in the 12-Step Process

Posted on April 29, 2022 by cmarnew

THE TWELVE-STEP PROGRAM: STEP ELEVEN

STEP ELEVEN

“Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.”

In working with people that are not in twelve-step recovery programs, I often hear them say something to this effect: ‘twelve-step programs are not for me…I am not a religious person and there is too much emphasis on God and religion in twelve-step meetings.’ I completely understand where they are coming from.

In six of the twelve steps, there is some explicit reference to God or a higher Power. Also, many people in twelve-step programs rely on God and their religious beliefs in their personal recovery processes. I have written this in previous blog posts but feel it is important to readdress. Twelve-step programs are not inherently religious. Rather, twelve-step programs base recovery upon a foundation of spirituality.

You might wonder, ‘What’s the difference between spirituality and religion? Aren’t those two the same?’ Well, you’re not alone. These terms are often conflated with one another. While religion or a belief in God is spiritual, spirituality does not equate to a belief in God or other religious beliefs. Religion is comprised of organized beliefs and practices, whereas spirituality is unique to the individual. No one can dictate your spirituality to you. Spirituality is simply a belief or feeling that there is something greater than our individual selves. Spirituality is about personal meaning.

When we engage with our spirituality, it could mean doing some meditation, praying to our higher Power for guidance, journaling about our experiences, or going for a peaceful walk through nature, among others. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to engage with your spirituality. Like spirituality itself, it will vary from one person to the next. The important piece is that our spiritual practices encourage mindfulness and self-reflection. We pause to recognize where we are and how we are feeling. What is working for me? What is working against me? What fears do I hold? What am I excited about? It is about self-reflection.

When we are mindful, we come into closer contact with ourselves. We become intimately acquainted with our feelings, such that we may begin to understand them. Doing so enables us to let go of some of our existing beliefs that may be interfering with living a fulfilling life. It is our spirituality that we trust to guide us forward. Step eleven encourages us to integrate spiritual practices into our daily lives.

By Jonathan Fricke, MA

Step 10 in the 12-Step Process

Posted on April 26, 2022 by cmarnew

STEP TEN

“Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.”

We have all been, at one point or another, in a situation in which we said something insensitive or insulting to someone else. Regardless of whether we had ill intentions or not, we immediately realize what we did. Internally, we recognize that our words were damaging. At this point, we reach a fork in the road. There are two paths that people tend to go down.

The first path is that of doubling-down. In efforts to protect our egos, we may try to see how our insensitive words were justified. In other words, we would rather hurt someone else than admit to ourselves that we can make errors and mistakes; that we are imperfect. We connect with our creative side to find any possible reasoning whatsoever that we were right to say what we did.

The second path is that of accountability. On this path, we recognize that we said something hurtful and, albeit difficult, own up to our behavior. We immediately apologize to the other for our insensitive words, acknowledging our transgression. In doing so, we accept that we are imperfect, for we are human beings capable of mistakes like anyone else. This is the path we continually choose to take in step ten.

It is important to note that, just as in step nine, we are owning up to our wrongs not solely for the other person, but for ourselves. When we are aware of the wrongs we have committed but do nothing to rectify them, we place a burden on our conscious. This burden festers and grows into resentments and anger, whether directed at ourselves or others. In recovery, it is not difficult to imagine how this slippery slope leads to relapse.

It is important to accept that some people may not forgive us or remain angry by our actions. While difficult to sit with, that’s okay. Even if the other person continues holding onto their anger, that is not your problem. You did your part to make things right.

Sometimes, you will not recognize a transgression in the moment. Perhaps you start thinking about it later that day, the next morning, or later that week. Regardless of when it happened, the important part in step ten is to reach out to the other person involved and apologize for your actions as soon as you come to realize how what you did may have hurt them. It is difficult to admit when we’re wrong. Our ego works hard to maintain a narrative that we’re self-righteous and perfect. However, we’re not. Nobody is. Although difficult to admit when we’re wrong, we find in step ten that this type of admission helps maintain mental clarity and is essential to our continued recovery.

By Jonathan Fricke, MA

Step 9 in the 12-Step Process

Posted on April 22, 2022 by cmarnew

STEP NINE

“Make direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”

As I had mentioned in my previous blog post on step eight, step nine is probably the most well-known step of the twelve-step program. Before reaching this step, we have reflected on the impact of substance use and addiction in our own lives and begun to recognize the effects of our substance use and addiction on those around us. To do this, we made a list of people we suspect we harmed through our use. In step nine, it is time to act on the list that we compiled in the form of amends. However, before we can act, we must first know how to act.

You have probably heard the phrase “making amends” before, but what exactly does that mean? Often, people associate “making amends” with an making an apology. People think it is about saying sorry for your transgressions. However, that definition is not quite right. An amendment is not about simply saying sorry; it is not an apology. Instead, making amends is about making change. Just like an amendment to the United States constitution is a change designed to improve the document, making amends in recovery is a change designed to improve our metaphorical “document” (i.e. our relationships and sense of self).

In making amends, it is best practice to make our amends directly to those we have harmed. Meaning, we must sit down, face-to-face, with those that we have harmed through our substance use and addiction. We must take the steps necessary to make the situation right. This typically involves an explanation about our personal struggles with substance use, the program we have been working, fears and insecurities we held, remorse for past behavior, and how we are changing and bettering ourselves. Amends may also include material goods we must replace or debts we must settle too. It is about doing what is within our power to make things right.

While it may be tempting to place great importance on the result of our amends (i.e. receiving forgiveness from the other), the act of making amends is far more important. We may find that some people forgive us. However, there will be some people that will not forgive. While this response is difficult to sit with, it is still extraordinarily important that we made our amends. We did what was within our power, spoke our truth, and, as such, may begin to forgive ourselves and heal.

Before beginning step nine, pay special attention to the last part of the step, “…except when to do so would injure them or others.” While making amends is important, there may be some people that we should not make amends with. These people are those that would be caused additional harm by the act of our amends. Our recovery does not receive priority over the wellbeing of others. It is important to work with a therapist or sponsor throughout this process to ensure our amends promote healing rather than further damage.

By Jonathan Fricke, MA

The Twelve-Step Program: Step Eight

Posted on April 19, 2022 by cmarnew

STEP EIGHT

“Make a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.”

Have you ever seen the television sitcom My Name is Earl? In this show, the main character, Earl, decides that he is going to turn his life around. After years of bad behavior, selfishness, and greed, he decides that he is going to be a better person and start putting some good into the world instead. He creates a long list of people that he believes he has harmed over the years with his poor behavior, writes down a corresponding description of how he wronged each person on the list, and seeks each one out to try and make things right with them. Although Earl is not formally working a twelve-step program, the premise of the show does a nice job of capturing the principles of steps eight and nine.

Step nine, perhaps the most well-known step, has to do with the act of making amends. This is the step that much of My Name is Earl depicts on screen. Step eight, however, is essential in setting us up for step nine. If we rush into step nine before thoroughly completing step eight, we put the cart in front of the horse. To complete step eight, we must engage in thoughtful and intentional self-reflection, writing down how our behaviors have harmed others. Without step eight, there is no step nine. Without Earl’s list, there is no show. We must make the list.

People in twelve-step programs often find that step eight can be one of the most challenging steps of the program. In steps one through seven, we are largely focused on ourselves. We reflected on how our lives are currently unmanageable, formed a personal definition of “higher power,” and took a personal moral inventory. We developed an understanding of how our addiction harmed ourselves. However, in step eight, we must begin to look at how our behavior with drugs and alcohol has harmed others.

In making this list, I’m sure there will be certain people that come to mind immediately. Perhaps you can remember exactly what you did and know that your actions hurt them. However, there will also be others where you are unsure of if you hurt them or not. Or, perhaps your actions unintentionally harmed them. For step eight, that does not matter. For anyone that you suspect you may have harmed, intentionally or not, include them on your list. People commonly included on these lists are husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, exes, parents, children, friends, and colleagues, among others.

A crucial part of step eight also has to do with resentments. There will be people on your list that you have harmed, but that you feel have also harmed you. You may not want to make amends or feel they don’t deserve amends. However, holding this resentment is like drinking poison hoping the other person will suffer. Work with a therapist, sponsor, or trusted individual to better understand these resentments and realize what amends must be made. Making amends with those particular people may be one of the most important aspects of your recovery process.

By Jonathan Fricke, MA

The Twelve-Step Program: Step Seven

Posted on April 13, 2022 by cmarnew

STEP SEVEN

“Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.”

The last few steps of the twelve-step program have largely been focused on self-reflection. We took a personal moral inventory of who we truly are at our core. We then shared our truest selves with another human being. Then, we developed an acceptance and cultivated a willingness to let our character defects go. In step seven, we build upon these steps with a step that is more action oriented.

We take action in that we ask our higher power to remove our character defects that we had previously identified. To reiterate, higher power does not equate to any particular religious figure or notion. Instead, it has an individual, personalized meaning. While a higher power could mean God, it could also mean the natural world, science, or the twelve-step program itself, among others. Whatever the case, we rely on our chosen higher power to instill a sense of trust in life’s events. Life will do what life does. We reject the notion that we control what happens to us, and instead focus on what we can do for the world around us. In essence, we welcome in a sense of humility.

Let me ask you, what do you first think of when you hear the word ‘humility’?

For many people, humility immediately conjures associations to the word ‘humiliation,’ which is typically viewed in a negative lens since it is essentially defined as the degradation of oneself in either their own eyes or the eyes of someone else. It is a loss of pride. ‘Humility,’ on the other hand, is not about public or private ridicule. Instead, it is about freedom from pride and arrogance. It is a sense of humbleness; a modest view of one’s own importance. Humility is something that we must continually foster and nurture. It is essential to long-term sobriety. It is what allows us to live life on life’s terms. Many twelve-steppers refer to this notion as getting “right-sized.”

Well, what does “right-sized” mean anyways?

Have you ever heard the fairy tale “Goldilocks and the Three Bears?” In the story, Goldilocks goes through trials and tribulations with bowls of porridge that are too hot and too cold, chairs that are too big and too small, and beds that are too hard and too soft. With each of these items, she eventually finds one that is just right. A bowl of porridge that’s the right temperature, a chair that’s the right size, and a bed that’s the right firmness. In step seven, we do the same thing.

We rely on our higher power to remove the aspects of ourselves that are “too big,” like grandiosity and self-entitlement, as well as the parts of ourselves that are “too small,” such as shame, regret, and unworthiness. In doing this, we become “right-sized,” which allows us to move forward. It does not mean that we won’t experience negative emotions or events. Rather, it frees us up to better cope with negative experiences when they do arise.

By Jonathan Fricke, MA

The Twelve-Step Program: Step Six

Posted on April 12, 2022 by cmarnew

STEP SIX

“We are entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”

Now that we have taken a personal moral inventory in step four and admitted our flaws to a trusted individual in step five, we are now ready for step six. In step six of the twelve-step program, we look at our defects of character, cultivate an acceptance of these defects, and then develop a willingness to let them go. These defects of character may be some of the ways be behave or cope that have contributed to our problems.

If you are reading this and think to yourself, ‘How on earth do I develop a willingness to let these defects go?’ You are not alone. It is certainly easier said than done.

One thing that gets in the way of developing a true willingness to let defects of character go is that human beings are creatures of habit. We find a behavior or coping strategy that seems to work and may continue to rely on that behavior or coping strategy for a long time, even when that behavior or coping strategy does not align with our personal values.

For example, we may value interpersonal connection and close relationships, yet we get angry when we start to feel rejected. Our anger thus pushes others away from us, which is directly at odds with our value of interpersonal connection and close relationships. However, we may continue to get angry because that is how we have historically coped with rejection. Something about this anger probably feels comfortable. It is an automatic response as this pattern has likely been a part of us for a long time. With individuals struggling with addiction, this pattern could be fertile ground for relapse.

In step six, we focus intently on the behaviors or coping strategies, in this case anger, that contribute to an individual’s struggles. Below, I have included a step-by-step guide on how to work through personal challenges. Write down the answer to each question and repeat the steps as necessary for each challenge that comes to mind.

What is a struggle you face?
How does that struggle influence your behavior?
How does this struggle impact others?
How does this struggle impact you?
What feelings come up in thinking about this struggle?
What do you do to deal with these feelings?
What do you imagine your life would look like if you didn’t deal with the feelings this way?
What productive alternatives could you employ instead?

By reflecting upon and recognizing the ways in which our struggles, feelings, and actions interact, we are better able to do something different. We build a deeper relationship with ourselves, develop a motivation to change, and a willingness to try something new. It may be scary to break a longstanding pattern, but it opens up the possibility of meaningful, positive change.

By Jonathan Fricke, MA

Step 3 in the 12-Step Process

Posted on February 14, 2022 by cmarnew

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.”

In the first two steps of the twelve-step program, we are asked to reflect on our own lives. In step one, we are asked to reflect on our powerlessness and the unmanageability in our lives. In step two, we are asked to reflect on what our higher power looks like; what we believe in. In step three, however, we shift from a stance of reflection to a stance of action. Step three is all about pushing away from our self-will and welcoming in a sense of willingness.

So, what does self-will and willingness mean? Self-will is all about stubbornness. It is about doing what an individual wants without regard for the wishes of others. It is a belief that you are right and will argue with anyone who disagrees. It is about a desire for independence, control, and is typically rooted in egotism. On the other hand, willingness is all about readiness and flexibility. It is rooted in trust outside the self.

Before continuing, I feel it is important to address the religious influence in step three with the use of the word “God.” As I had previously mentioned in my discussion of step two, twelve-step programs are not inherently religious and there is no requirement that the individual practice religion or believe in God. Rather, the important piece of step three is the last part, “…as we understood Him.” This piece reminds us that it is not about God, but about whatever the individual has identified as their higher power. Perhaps that higher power resides in nature, science, or the twelve-step program itself. In this step, the individual is asked to loosen their grip on the desire to control their lives and instead places faith, trust, and hope in their higher power. It is about aligning the will of the individual with their higher power. In this step the individual begins to experience serenity.

Step three also introduces a component of the twelve-step program that countless individuals have found monumental to their recovery: the Serenity Prayer.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Thy will, not mine, be done.

The Serenity Prayer introduces a key concept that extends far beyond recovery and has useful applications across life. In it, we examine and recognize the limits of our control. The prayer highlights the notion that there are some things we can control and some things we cannot. For example, we cannot control the behaviors of others but do have control over how we react to any given situation. When we attempt to control something that is uncontrollable, we are often left feeling angry or dejected when things don’t go our way. The Serenity Prayer encourages us to ask ourselves, ‘Is this situation something worth getting upset over or is it out of my control?’

By Jonathan Fricke, MA[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]

12-Steps Overview

Posted on February 2, 2022 by cmarnew

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Often times, people think of recovery synonymously with twelve-step programs. While there are a variety of different approaches to recovery, the twelve-step program has certainly held its place as a staple in addiction recovery. Given the popularity and notoriety of the twelve-step program, it seems appropriate to do a brief review of the program’s philosophy and current applications.

The twelve-step program is most commonly associated with Alcoholics Anonymous. However, other more targeted twelve-step programs have emerged over the years to include other drug addictions (i.e. Narcotics Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous, Crystal Meth Anonymous, etc.) and behavioral addictions (Gamblers Anonymous, Food Addicts Anonymous, Co-Dependents Anonymous, etc.). Regardless of the substance or problem behavior in focus, all twelve-step programs rely on adaptations to the original twelve steps developed for Alcoholics Anonymous, which was the first twelve-step program. Those twelve steps may be boiled down to the following ideas:

An honest admission of powerlessness over the substance or problem behavior
A belief that a higher power can assist in recovery
A recognition that you must include others in your recovery
An inventory of current problems and how substance use or the problem behavior affected them
An admission of wrongdoings to their higher power and another person
An acceptance of flaws in personal character
The humility to ask a higher power to assist in recovery
Constructing a list of those you have harmed through your substance use or problem behavior
Making amends to those you have harmed
Continually taking an inventory of current problems and wrongdoings, and being willing to admit when wrong
Fostering a sense of awareness through connection and engagement with your higher power
Engage in service activities to assist others in recovery and daily life

The twelve steps listed above may be broken down into three domains: physical, mental, and spiritual. These three dimensions were intentionally developed and included in the twelve-steps to be a reflection of the physical, mental, and spiritual aspects of the human experience. The philosophy underwriting this design is that the problems that arise in addiction present themselves in physical, mental, and spiritual domains. Thus, the path to recovery must include these same elements.
Twelve-step programs continue to be popular due to the success that many individuals have experienced in their recovery journeys. Additionally, many individuals enjoy the sense of community at meetings, the availability of a concrete plan towards recovery, and the accessibility (twelve-step groups operate all over the world free of charge), among other reasons. Further, many of these meetings are now offered virtually over Zoom. If you are even the slightest bit curious about a twelve-step program, I would encourage you to attend an open meeting. You never know what the tide will bring.

By Jonathan Fricke, MA[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]